I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
