woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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