Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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