Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Randomize
