Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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