Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
