cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
