There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Did I show you my penis last night?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Never underestimate the power of titties
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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