Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
He's a Shit stain on my heart
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
