Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
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She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
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I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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