Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
