We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
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I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
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Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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