So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
