You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
