I didn't shave. On purpose
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
