I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Randomize
