Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
We left the knife in your bed.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
