He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
