They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Randomize
