That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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