Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
a search helicopter?!
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Randomize
