well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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