Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
