I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
