In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
