that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
