The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
