He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
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I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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