ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
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Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
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The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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