the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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