My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
