Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
