also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
