I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Come share oat with me in your robe
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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