New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
