I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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