Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
