FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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