I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
