I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
