I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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