I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
