Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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