Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
