Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
