My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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