good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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