I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
