there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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