Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
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I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
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I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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