Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
