I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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