the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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