Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
