I can tuck mytits in my pants
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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