Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
