my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
