Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
