4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
