So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
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