Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
